Hit me.

ok.. so this is my final story.
it wouldn't matter if I died today, you will still live your normal life. I'm just something so small I mean nothing to the world or you. I'm a fragment of nothing. I live becuase the only way out is death. death seems like my wonderland when i feel nothing, about you or me. you make me upset but at the same time you make me the happiest girl in the world. i see my life has nothing but a certain something keeps me going. a certain someting which i don't know of anymore. change my thinking of my new black world and I'll change me. the new me is wasted.

trust and honesty is an understatement now.

Things...

Mood= Annoyed

It's annoying not having internet at home. But I just moved house and I LOVE my NEW ROOM! so i won't be online or blogging for some days. AND NOW I CAN RECIEVE SG RECEPTION SO WHOEVER CAN CALL ME 24/7!~ Oh yes yes... =)

happy bilated birthday Ben ben, benji, ben boy, benny... my one and only fully certified full of nonsense boy. =)

I BOUGHT NICO AND FARIS FOR A BUCK EACH TODAY!.. ah... they are so cheap. =p And... I'm so so weird these days.. i haven't been this crazy in class in a long long time. I'm glad to be back. Now all you see now are smiles from me. No more frowns... no more.

Which reminds me.. do we still love as much as before? this is one question which I still can't answer. But no doubt I still love you. ^-^

And after 4 weeks.. the ring is back on. Sigh.. I never thought that it would come back on before. Well.. that was before.

I misss you...... =*(

I Love You Too.

The past... and present.

Mood= Lifeless
Song= Usher & Alicia Keys - My Boo

I remember.. not too long ago when i was always being told how much they missed the 'old bern'. I'm refering to when I was in grade 8 when nothing mattered and all i wanted to do was have a good ass time, i didn't give a shit about anything, and life was basically... perfect. I have to say that it was cause i had want i wanted, i had the most awesome friends on earth and never one day, where i'll frown.

I was always happy, classes seemed more 'enjoyable', i was actually close to cris, faris, marc, oscar, grace then. Now, cris and i, are still friends, yes, but we don't fool around in class, lunch anymore. No.. not really. (2 main resons behind that, the past and... John). How him and faris used to carry me around school cause i was too lazy and i was helping them 'work-out', cris and i eating all the time in french class, always freezing up cause we sit directly under the air-con, him always helping this lazy bum out on her hw. In grade 9, how he would give up his lunch just to go to the library with me to finish my hw, us being partners in dance class.. but that was only for the first half of the year.

Faris, one hell of a fucker in grade 8. I remember how we were so ass close, and i was the 'summer crush'. haha.. there's a story behind that. how i'll tell you every single thing cause i knew, you were one of my closest friend. we will always fool around in class, do shit behind nico's back (haha! i'm kidding on this one, we were pretending), us always up into something bad, THAT FUCKER WENT DOWN ON HIS KNEES IN HOMEROOM TO IMITATE SOME SHIT! and science class with you, prananda, cris, oscar and i on one table, god it was soo fun! i remember you guys will ALWAYS talk about sex or anything relating to sex and once, prananda lit his hair on fire! But the bad things about it was that.. it started smelling real bad after some time. Now, we talk.. but not as much. Or at least i don't tell him about my personal life anymore and there's also a reason behind that. I can tell that both faris and i, have changed... we are not as... playful as we used to be. He's more kept away and I'm more.. upset most of the times. Not all changes are good.

Grace... woman. Don't know what i'll do without her. She kicks ass! ok.. so she may be half way round the world but we know how to keep it going. In grade 8, when we were best friends (still am), we would do everything and anything together. We were.. inseperateable. Still remember those bitch fights in math class, water fights, sharing food, copying homework, shopping til we go broke, paring up for pe, not getting busted in music class even if we don't do our hw, sleeping in history and english class, smsing in english and history class, putting make up in the girls bathroom, you having Marc as your 'husband' and Oscar as my 'husband', chilling in the hotel swimming pool and taking tons and tons of pictures, and... the final day, graduation. How we were so excited about it and.. arrived late to Goodwood. Nearly missed the photo shot! and camara's wouldn't stop going off. I still have a few ..



faris n oscar huggin


grace, bern n marc again ..


bern, cris n oscar


bern n faris

Now look at how much faris and i changed in a year.


Bern n Faris in grade 8 graduation 02.

Bern and Faris in Prom 03.

I have to say that.. those were happy days. They were...
But then again, when i'm talking about my past.. how can i not include Nico! haaha..
This woman.. he used to be well.. the woman and i was the man. =)I'm actually not gonna say much about nico, but there's a reason to it. So yeah.. point is, he was always there when i needed him.

NOW...

My life now.. haven't really been living but i'm trying to get the best out of what i can. I had tons of friendship problems (yes.. it's actually a normal thing) and all the wrong things are happening.. at the wrong time. Maybe i made myself into who i am now. No one's to blame.. no one else but me. Soemtimes i make wrong decisions, say the wrong tihngs, act wrongly, just basically.. everything wrong. Though i tend to get i want. Most of the times that is.

John, came into my life about 13 months back. I was a freshman in high school and the story goes on bla bla bla. First, he dated fie and there's actually a really cute story to this but i'm too lazy to type it all out. Then that was how i got to know this player (before he was!), the first thing i said to him was in chinese, you like her right? His response was rather.. like attitude problem but i was cool with it. He said back in chinese, it's rather obvious now isn't it? Then we started talking from there and i still cannot remember how i got his number. we started msging in class and well.. he got upset/angry over her. Uh oh.. my bad. Anyways, after that, he got with Julia. Then back to Julia again cause things wouldnt have worked out between us. Then after Julia back to Fie. damn.. but anyways, i'm sure that there are more to that. We started hanging out alot more. things were cool. i have alot of memories from him. too many that it's too much to list. but there was a part where we became 'kor' and 'mei'. we thought that that was all that we could become. but anyways.. I remember i used to run to him about nico and he would run to me about Fie or Julia and quite a few times Amanda C. We would hang out every saturday til late and sometimes sleep over cause ben and i got kick out to sg. those were actually awesome times. hehe.. i miss them. then we had our songs from Joe - I wanna know to Jason Mraz - The Remedy to R.Kelly - Ignition.
He makes me happy.. yes he does. but sometimes.. he makes me so so sick of him but thats usually only when we argue. But then i always wonder.. why him? yeah...
Then this, according to my friends, said that they only saw the 'old bern' when we broke up for the 4 weeks. In a way.. i was actually happier.. that i could be with my friends more often and that Fu can finally not be so scared of actually being close to me. But i did want to get back with John.. i did.
I wonder why the 'old bern' came back in the 4 weeks.
And i wonder.. if she's still around.

John, me and Liz in PS before the 4 weeks.

Cris, Me and Nico.. Picture taken for Aya. I actually really like this picture. During the 4 weeks.

I actually can... see the difference in me. The past.. and present.
Everybody changes.. I didn't exactly change into a better me.. a happier me.

Special thanks to Nico and Geo for helping me with the pictures. My darlings. =)
God dammit.. this took me 3 days to complete.

N

Yes I do know Nico.
Yes I do.
But it's weird isn't it? How you know it's impossible (hope that I'm not drowning your spirits right now). Though I would love to see what I'm imagining right now. It'll be real sweet. I know that you'll be perfect. =) For how much you may love, love as much as you want. You may very well win what you want.
And, you woman.. you're not fat for the last time.
-end of arguement- I don't wanna hear it again.
Now tell me I make you smile.
........
.........
..........
............
Smile you bastard.

And for you people who think that it sounds wrong. No it doesn't cause it's NOT about me. It's about Grace. Yes.. So stop your sideways thinking right now.

Dearest peps..

Like they all said... which came true.
Thanks for eveything.
Darlings kept me up high.

And now I wonder...
Is it really what I want?...
Hmm... In a way it'll be stupid to give up half way.
Yes it would.
No shit it would.

Grace and Nico.. I know in a way I always disappoint you guys and you tell me things I don't wanna hear but it's for my own good. I know that and I love you guys. I really do. You care so much about me and don't want me to get hurt again. But I promise you guys that if it happens again. I'll deal with it on my own. I bet you already have enough of my problems. Especially Nico, he has to go through my torture of listening to my endless screams, problems and basically hearing his name... waaaaaay tooooo muucccch. hehe.. Grace, oh my gosh. Stop arguing with Royan. You guys are half way around the world from each other and still can break up again and again! But then you always run to Nico and I and its totally cool. We both will always be there for you. And will YOU AND NICO PLS PLS PLS STOP FLIRTING LIKE FUCK? AHAHA! OMG.. BUT BUT.. I wanna be your sayang too. Your sayang no.3. Or 2, I can come before Nico. Which I should! hehe.. =p

Fie, Geo, Lex, Val, Sara, Grace, Nico, Aura, and to many others.
Thanks for the support. =)
You know.. I fell hard this time.

A Thousand Miles.

Mood= cheery
Song= Vanessa Carlton - A Thousand Miles

John's lullaby..

"A Thousand Miles"

Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces pass
And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making a way
Through the crowd

And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fallInto the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight

It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever
Think of me

'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in your
Precious memories

'Cause I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight

And I, I
Don't want to let you know
I, I
Drown in your memory
I, I
Don't want to let this go
I, I
Don't...

.Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces pass
And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making a way
Through the crowd

And I still need you
And I still miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could Just see you...

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could Just see you
If I could
Just hold you
Tonight

Crying to the memories I have...
Knowing that you might never come back.

Never.

Song= Chingy ft, J/Weav - One Call Away

This is what you will have last from me - the sweetest kiss goodbye.


Things will never be the same again,
Since the time will never be right.
I don't think I can ever love another,
Like how I loved you.
I'll never be able to see you,
Like how I used to.
Time and time again,
The same things happen.
So tell me,
That it will never happen again.
Like how I will never...
Love another again.

_t___ __v___ _o_.

Song= Baby Bash ft Frakie J - Suga Suga

Some things are better left unsaid..
Like how much _ __i__ ____ __u.
Or why I waited for _o_ because _ _t___ _o__ ____.
Maybe because _o_ said that ___ _o___ __ _o_.
If could be that things _e__ going well.
And I kept my ___e_ u_.
So now _o_ crashed e______i__ _ h____ __r.
In a way it's _e_____ __ _o_.
But whatever it is..
_'__ ______ ____ ___.

____ ___?

Flirtatious.

Song= John Mayer - Neon

This got me thinking. Hard.
X: wow.. I really wonder how you put up with your flirtatious guy. If I were you I wouldn't be able to.
Y: I don't know. but he is huh...
X: you're too kind with him.
Y: I am...
X: but you know you kinda have to huh...
Y: well... It's either I do or I don't right?..
X: yeah.
Y: Oh well... nothing I can do...
X: But how do you take it though?...
Y: ai ya.. Just close one eye and look away la! not that I want to do that... But I have to. If not I'll get real pissed.
X: You good man...
Y: yeah. I know right.
X: But just becareful...
Y: mm.... I will.

G

Song= Vertical Horizon - Best I Ever Had

He who was once my brother,
isn't one anymore.
He who I once trusted,
Ain't getting no trust from me no more.
He who I once ran to,
I will run through.

I will not blame you. What that could have been done. Has been done.